


He was becoming tired of trying. | Ballum

by chloe16



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Denial, Helpless, M/M, Sexuality, Trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 02:25:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19843624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chloe16/pseuds/chloe16
Summary: A look into Ben’s perspective and point of view when seeing Callum and Whitney. A recognition of signs of struggling that are all too familiar.





	He was becoming tired of trying. | Ballum

**Author's Note:**

> Again not the best, but still I tried and they should get better! Enjoy ;)

Ben hurried into the Café, craving a cup of coffee to give him the energy that 5 hours of sleep failed to provide him with. He slumped down in a chair, resisting the urge to let his eyes fall shut. Looking around him for the first time since he entered, he was taken by surprise at how he had failed to realise who else was in there - sat at a corner table, Callum and Whitney. Their table was littered with wedding magazines and cutouts; pictures of snow-white cakes and atmospheric fairy lights spilled out onto the table. Ben couldn’t help but let out a quiet laugh at this sight, being the only one who knew how one-sided the excitement and elation was. 

The Café was fairly empty as it was still early, but the peace was often disrupted by Whitney’s giddy laughter and exclamations of joy that were not reciprocated. As hard as he tried, Ben could not ignore them so he gave in and looked over at Callum.

The first thing Ben noticed was Callum’s “smile”. His smile became smaller and more forced each day, as though someone had to physically lift the corners of his mouth. Ben could see that he was tired of faking a smile. Whitney failed to see it waver as he fought back the constant urge to give up and cry. Ben had studied Callum’s eyes intently many times, so he recognised the same tiredness behind them that was there from the very first moment that he realised Callum’s secret. His under-eye circles seemed to have darkened; Ben wasn’t the only one who didn’t get enough sleep. 

Ben saw a newfound strength in Callum, the strength he used to keep up this facade of being happy that masked his inner conflict. The _same_ strength he himself had to find before he came out to the world. That’s why he felt such a strong connection to Callum - he went through the exact same situation and felt the exact same emotions. No one else understood. He was both saddened and annoyed by Callum’s situation. Saddened by the fact that Callum was missing out on so much, _missing out on being in love._ He wasn’t living, just surviving. Annoyed by the fact that it had been engrained in him that being straight was the “right” way to be, and that he cared more about Whitney than he did about himself. He desperately wanted to show Callum what life _could_ be, if only he’d let him. Instead Ben had to helplessly watch him suffer daily.

He couldn’t work out whether Callum was purposefully not making eye contact with him, or whether he was too consumed by his thoughts to look up. Ben’s coffee had become ice cold he’d been sat there for so long, originally planning to be in and out in 5 minutes. That seemed to be a recurring trend, him hanging around for longer than he planned whenever Callum’s involved. He didn’t plan on returning to Walford itself for too long, but Callum got in the way of that.

Swirling the coffee around one last time, he stared into it for a few more seconds before grabbing his jacket and leaving. When he got outside, he reminded himself of the promise he made to avoid situations like this. Where he was the one trying and trying, and seemingly getting no where. Where he wasn’t the one in control of what happens; Callum had the power to decide. And hopefully he would decide soon. **He was becoming tired of trying.** He needed him _now,_ and he could only hope that Callum realised that sooner rather than later.


End file.
